Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.