[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
happy mother’s day❤️
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.