First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Childbirth is so beautiful
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
