Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.