Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.