Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Look at this

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.