Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon