Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

I am never leaving this website

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.