Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.