Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.