I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Owl Sanctuary
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
dam girl
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on