Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
You Might Also Like
The best plant holders?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I’m not wrong
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.