no their not
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.