My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I wanna be friends with this person
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more