My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
a public service announcement
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*