THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨