Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.