My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.