Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
when mom throws a party…
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.