Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

pls suprot

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.