I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
that wasn’t the question
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.