A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
You Might Also Like
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break