Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
This is a true ally.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.