Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
long lost
