I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Inside you there are two wolves
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
never forget
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure