I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.