professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing