If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
💻🤡
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.