Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

What a year we’ve had this week.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

#ProTip

me in a relationship:

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

this chia pet tastes awful

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.