Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Twitter remains undefeated

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

The days of good grammer has went