All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Important reminders
