who wore it better?
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but