*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
This is true.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.