how many bears make up a bear minimum
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]