Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

the duality of man

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good