Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

The best plant holders?

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)