Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??