him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Xylophonist Shredding It
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
This kinda thing happens to me often
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”