ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street