Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

plums roundup

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Spotted in the wild

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

[the middle of showering] I need a break

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.