*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
