If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
🤣🤣🤣
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”