Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Cold.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.