I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m sorry…what?
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My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
the three branches of government
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?