If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
beware of dog
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper