CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.