Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?