I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.