Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

When ur friends with white people

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?