*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Lol
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
