Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It will always be this

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I don’t think my car can fly